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When you mess up, 'fess up.

Nancy Manassero

"I gotta get outta here!"


That was my only thought as I exploded in rage one day. Back in the 90s, I had just begun my healing journey, and opening the door to my pain left me raw. I don’t remember what triggered me, but sometimes the normal challenges of parenting and marriage felt like treading water with a leg cramp. So close to drowning.


I leaped into the car, screeched out of the driveway, and drove like a madwoman with no destination in mind (not one of my finer moments of driving etiquette). I was screaming, crying, cussing, hating life, hating myself, hating the world. 


I wanted to get out of myself. I gave no thought to my husband and children who gaped in shock as I sped away.


As I careened down the highway, dodging cars and pounding the steering wheel, I saw the San Luis Rey Mission ahead. I don’t even know why I made a sharp left and slammed on the brakes in the parking lot. I considered running into the church and collapsing at the foot of the cross, but within two steps I fell to my knees on the gravel.


Oh God, oh God, help me, help me, I’m so lost. I’m scared. I’m losing my mind,” I sobbed and screamed. I retched and nearly vomited. Minutes passed, maybe a half hour. An onlooker would’ve thought me insane as I grabbed at my hair and yelled guttural nonsense. Eventually a sense of calm settled over me as the Spirit tenderly ministered to me.


I climbed back in the car, driving home as slowly as an octogenarian. I returned home to my husband’s worried face and open arms, my children bringing me tissues. I grieved my thoughtlessness. 


I’m so sorry, so sorry.” God’s grace funneled through them, soothing me with undeserved love and forgiveness.


Why do I share this peek into the trenches of my healing journey? Partly to let you know that I understand how crazy trauma can make us feel, even to the point where we justify harmful behaviors. Partly to assure you that it does get better over time, and to promise you that God is with you on this healing journey.

But mostly I offer what may seem like a surprising healing tip:


When you mess up, ‘fess up.


In the throes of our trauma, we will hurt others. We may not intend to, but unless we have a superior level of self-discipline and a tight rein on our mouths, words will fly and actions will erupt…and we can’t take them back.


What we can do is apologize and ask forgiveness. Part of our healing encompasses our spiritual and emotional growth: learning to take responsibility for our actions. God wants to free us from our bondage to victimhood.


"Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed" (James 5:16).


I'm not guilting you or minimizing your pain. But I am pointing you to Jesus' desire to heal ALL of you, to make you more like Him while you heal: more kind, more patient, more other-centered. It's not easy, but with Him at your side, it's doable. I learned early on that healing can be painful...but transformative. 


I had carelessly hurt my family, which required my apology. Learning to restore brokenness in relationships is crucial to our healing. I had also endangered others, and although I couldn’t apologize to any of the terrified drivers, I made a pact to never again be so reckless.  


Over time, it slowly dawned on me that I could choose healthier ways to process extreme frustration or anger: 

--Rather than run away, run to God in a separate room. 

--After calming down, talk to my husband or children about my struggle to handle life's demands, and ask for help.

--Speak life-giving truth over myself rather than succumb to lies of the enemy, who wanted me to spiral into darkness and blame everyone around me. 


God wanted my restoration; the devil wanted brokenness. God wanted healing; the devil wanted hopelessness. God wanted a clean heart; the devil wanted a corrupted heart.


In the boundless grace of God, He protected me as well as others that day, and He met me in those trenches and brought comfort. My trust in Him was built on such moments, one brick of trust at a time, until a mighty fortress enveloped me.

If you can relate to moments like these:


  • Give yourself grace for your failures…you are in the healing process, and it can be ugly at times.

  • Trust God to lead you out of your lowest points.

  • Apologize when someone receives the fallout of your rage. If you can’t say it, write it.

  • Thank God for the times He has comforted, protected, or rescued you.

  • Cling to Deuteronomy 31:8 in the midst of your troubles:





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Please peruse my site for other resources, to request me as a speaker, or to purchase Heartmending or My Healing Journal.

Email me at nancy@nancymanassero.com with comments or questions.

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